|
* * *
    Forwarding Address 28 years-old human... Pancreatitis Depressed
|
2003-10-15 - 1:14 p.m. feeling guilty I have just had the horriblest lunch ever. Yeah I know horriblest is not a word, but it should be so people will be able to describe my lunch. It was a Phillidelphia Light snack pot with breadsticks. The Phillidelphia tasted like rotten feet! YUCK! And now I can�t get rid of the taste, no matter how much diet coke I swill around my mouth. The breadsticks were nice. I am still, sorry to say, feeling crap. I feel guilty for everything I do, everything I eat, every penny I spend. I think this is where my glumness is emanating. Guilt. I�m not even Catholic! I feel guilty for eating because I cannot be arsed making decisions about meals, so I eat what I find (hence phillidephia and breadsticks) which is usually not very healthy, but far easier than cooking up some Weight Watchers Soup, or finding a low calorie sandwich that doesn�t taste like cardboard saturated in mayonnaise. I feel guilty about spending. H2B and I have no money � it all goes on paying rent, bills, rates and student loans. So we�re using my credit card to get all the bits we need for the wedding, and a few other bits besides. I�ve just been out and spend about �50 on presents for our ushers, on wrapping paper, on camera film for the honeymoon. I feel SO awful about it. I feel awful that we are starting married life in debt and won�t get out of it for a very very long time, or if we win the lottery. I feel guilty about everything I do because there is so much to do. If I�m doing laundry I feel I should be doing dishes, if I�m doing dishes I feel I should be preparing the orders of service, the menus and the seating plan, if I�m doing that I feel I should be preparing information for our photographers, our piper, our videographer and so on. If I�m sitting watching my beloved Groundforce and drinking wine the guilt levels are outstanding. Drinking! I feel guilty about that too! I like to drink to relax, but I feel guilty as it will dry out my skin, make me fat, give me bags under my eyes and ultimately lead me to early death � therefore meaning I will look like shit on my wedding day. Welcome to my mind people, get out while you still can� My only remaining sanity is my h2b. He pushes me out of the way and takes over the tidying up and the washing of dishes and won�t let me leave the sofa until I have relaxed. He brings me clean pyjamas and cold dry wine, he lets me watch House Doctor when there�s rugby on. *smile* |
www.diaryland.com
