Forwarding Address
August 03, 2005

28 years-old
April 19, 2005

human...
April 17, 2005

Pancreatitis
April 14, 2005

Depressed
April 13, 2005

November 09, 2004 - 11:32 pm

I am useless.

A long time ago I was cosmicfish and I said everything that was in my head the moment I wrote. I was always utterly honest. About everything.

My writing was not contrived or trying to be anything it wasn�t. And I haven�t been like that in a long time.

Contentment, happiness and love have left me without any deep longing to write. It seems I wrote better when I was depressed or searching for a soul mate.

I don�t apologise for being happy.

I do apologise, to myself, for being useless. I wrote an entry a long time ago about how I am a friend but never a best friend.

I pride myself on my honesty, my openness and my transparency. I do not hide behind pretence or lies, or an image of what I think should be seen. I am here as I am, seams out, labels on show, inside out and heart on my sleeve, the WHOLE time.

Is that wrong? Is that the wrong kind of friend to be?

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY. I know I am useless.

I cannot handle someone I love suffering. I�ve been there before, seen someone I love with all my heart suffering. I acted in the ways I thought were correct at that time, no matter what came to light afterward - the emotions I felt, the things I said, the thoughts I thought, the gestures I made - they were all real.

One of my best friends is suffering, I don�t know what to do.

I don�t know what to fucking do.

I don�t know what to fucking say.

I don�t even know if they want me to do, or say or�BE fucking anything.

I pride myself on my honesty, my openness and my transparency. I do not hide behind pretence or lies, or an image of what I think should be seen. I am here as I am, seams out, labels on show, inside out and heart on my sleeve, the WHOLE time.

The whole fucking time.

I know I am useless.

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