Forwarding Address
August 03, 2005

28 years-old
April 19, 2005

human...
April 17, 2005

Pancreatitis
April 14, 2005

Depressed
April 13, 2005

April 04, 2005 - 10:00 am

Going slowly mad...

I was going to return to work today but I didn't. I just couldn't do it. I am just in no way physically or emotionally ready to do it. Probably more emotionally than physically. The very idea of making the familiar journey to work filled me with dread. It's strange because I do want to go back, there's just a block in me right now that's strongly saying "not yet, give it one more week".

It's a hard situation. I have never been knocked sideways so heavily before. I really feel, inside, very very odd. I am still finding it difficult to go outside and interact normally - getting on buses, on tubes, walking into a supermarket or down the road, it still all feels unreal and frightening.

I don't know if I made the right decision or the wrong decision this morning when I called to say I would not be ready to return to work today, but the decision has been made. I now have this week off, I WILL be going back on Monday no matter what. I absolutely have to, or I think I would start to go mad being so removed from reality. But for now, for today, for this week, I'm just not ready. And I have no idea why.

So I have this week, seven days, to reconnect with the real world, to get myself through everything that has happened and sort myself out mentally and emotionally so that I am ready to face life and the world again on Monday.

I just hope I can do it.

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