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    Forwarding Address 28 years-old human... Pancreatitis Depressed
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February 12, 2005 - 1:12 pm claustrophobic I�m feeling claustrophobic at the moment. Even this diary isn�t the outlet it should be. Sure, I choose to keep a diary online because I like my thoughts and experiences being out there � I even like that some �real-life� people I know read it, not just faceless outsiders to my actual life. I get up, I spend time with Mr D, I go to work and work hard, I go out for a drink, with Mr D, I travel home with Mr D, I eat drink and sleep with Mr D and it�s driving me bonkers. We�ve even joined the same gym and when I said I�d like to go for a swim on Sunday afternoon while he watched the rugby with Tony, he made me change my swim to the morning so we could both go. If I try to say anything he gets offended. But I have always been somebody who actually enjoys spending time with just myself � walking by myself listening to my un-hip, un-obscure music, reading on my own, surfing the internet on my own, watching a film on my own, just pottering about on my own. And for the last year there hasn�t been a lot of just me, and this is making me feel like I am losing sight of� Jeeeeeeez, even now whilst he is watching the football and I think I�ll sit down for five minutes to write in my diary he has to stick his head round the door and ask me what I am doing, what am I writing�. Where was I�um..yeah�so I feel like I am losing sight of Ali, of who I am and what I want. I know I sound like I am whinging about completely selfish things that don�t really matter but I just needed to have my first moan about marital life. I love him and that will never change, and it�s true that we enjoy each others company more than most, but I am beginning to think our life balance is going to have to shift a bit in order to stop me going insane, or just becoming another cloned wife who argues with her husband about housework and spends her evenings sorting out the shopping list and fretting about calories. It changes here and now. In half an hour or so I�ll be meeting my mate Clair to go into Wanstead to look at glasses (oh yeah, I had an eye test and I need glasses for the first time ever, more on that later�) and have a few fizzy-pops, maybe even look at some new boots as my current ones are looking far too grubby to be groovy. Then this week I will spend at least two evenings in my own company � whether at the pool or walking or watching a film or reading in the bedroom or spare room � I will regain myself somehow, and remember who I was before I became a wife. |
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