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    Forwarding Address 28 years-old human... Pancreatitis Depressed
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September 23, 2004 - 6:28 pm Navel Gazing and Pictures of Sharks I have been in my job for nearly five months. I can�t believe it�s been that long no more than I can believe I have been married for nearly a year. It is intensely satisfying to come home each night completely drained of energy, with tired eyes and weak limbs and a brain that can no longer compute anything more than open bottle-pour wine-drink. It is so rewarding to feel needed by the people you work for and with, to be trusted with responsibility, to be listened to and heard. And all the while knowing that the tasks you are performing, no matter how big or small, are not contributing to some faceless multi-national�s meaningless profits but to the improvement of somebody�s life. I shall never forget the experience of looking at a man�s face as he entered a hostel for his first night off the streets. He had nothing, absolutely nothing, yet he turned and said thank you. That�s more than I get from most commuters on my way to work, regardless of how many prams I lift or doors I hold open. I am going for my fourth street rescue shift on Saturday night, I am beginning to feel a lot more confident now. When you�re out in London doing that job you feel like you are totally removed from the realities of every-day normal life, like you are in-between places looking in on real life. You become acutely aware of the dark corners and blankets, the smells and the doorways, the boxes, the cans and the danger, or relative safety, of different tiny patches of the metropolis. For the hours that you are on shift you are part of that side of life. Some people almost sneer when they hear about the street rescue service, and the fact that I volunteer to do it without pay, or time-off-in-lieu, or overtime. What a fucking hero. But it�s not like that. It�s not about saying �ooh look how great I am, I do such a lot of good work for chaaaaarity, but I don�t like to talk about it�� Not even that kind of shallowness could get me out in the least desirable parts of London on a cold Saturday night. There�s just something inside me that says, yes, I�ll do that. And there�s no waking up on a Saturday morning and thinking dammit, wish I didn�t have to do that tonight! There�s something inherent inside me that just wants to do it. I can�t put it into words, but I think this must be what it feels like to have a vocation. A natural pull towards something, regardless. Like when I am laying out henna patterns on my sister�s palms, or drinking cold white wine, or moulding things out of clay, I just know it�s me. It�s funny how, as you get older, you get to know yourself more and more. You can start to identify with yourself and realise some of the things you want from life. Mr D�s Dad and Step Mum came to visit a couple of months ago and they commented on how fortunate we were to find a nice flat, to work so near to home, to have jobs that we were so happy in. And I remembering thinking, not lucky. We did this for ourselves. I wanted to work with the homeless and I wanted to work nearer to home, so I went out and did it, I made it happen. We wanted to live in Wanstead, with its caf� culture and community feel, so we set a budget, found a flat, moved here. Mr D wanted to be happier, more relaxed, in his job so he went out and got a new job. We did it, together, him and me. And there�s more stuff as well, more stuff that we want to do, and now we know how capable we are of achieving our goals. We want to swim across a Greek sea, so we�re going to next year. I want to learn to play the drums! That might have to wait until we have a house of our own with a soundproof basement though� We want three children, starting with a little boy. And that isn�t going to be far away. We want to build our own house somewhere, in the country, with a view. I want a better guitar, Dan wants to learn to drive, we want to visit New York, I want to show Dan the loopy dry-ski slope outside Edinburgh where we used to go with my grandfather, who�s house overlooked it from a distance. We want to see India, place a bet in Vegas, stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon, tour Cuba, visit Bath� And we will do it all together. I mean, look at what we�ve done already. God I am in a right old rambling mood tonight. Ok, onto less deep (man) and more trivial items�Tonight Lang and Fairy are coming over for some cheese and to sample some of the English wine we brought back from a vineyard in Cornwall. I am looking forward to it, I don�t see enough of Fairy these days, don�t hear enough from her. Did I ever show you some of our honeymoon pictures? No? Well then�. Here�s a picture of the island where we went in the Maldives: |
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